We were having a strange, awkward conversation, awkward for me at least. I found myself complaining, and found her; or both of us, rather; trying to persuade me that I wasn’t satisfied, that there was something quite wrong with my life. I found it quite shocking really - how confused I became. I realised that I had a thousand mental barriers that stopped me from thinking negatively, from being unhappy, but also stopped me from feeling any emotion too strongly. It literarily hurt as she somehow tore through them. Its hard to explain, and I might remember it differently, and it might have been different for her, but it was the strangest situation. I think in the end I conceded, or realised something that I would readily have admitted to begin with - the problem is that we share the same philosophies but she lives according to it and I do not. I don’t ‘experience’ the way she does - I refrain from doing the bad, the illegal, the crazy, the wild. I think what I found most shocking and jarring was how convinced she made me that it was a problem, that I couldn’t be happy until I had overcome it. I wonder now if I had made myself vulnerable, accidentally or intentionally.
I think rules, laws, expectations are really central to who I am - I have a need to act as properly, as ethically and as.. as I am supposed to. At the same time I think experiencing new things is also unexplainably important, and I really struggle where the two philosophies conflict. Now that it is the next morning, and I am no longer caffeinated, it seems like perhaps she was wrong, and perhaps there is nothing wrong with living by the ‘rules’. But that sounds ridiculous. See? I still sound confused, but maybe I will reach a conclusion. Maybe I will begin to love the thrill of the crazy and the wild, and really ENJOY it. I know that I have irrational fears that I struggle to overcome, and lack the self control to say no to logic and reason and to act in accordance only with how I feel.
I’m not sure if I’ll do this, but if I think about it, and decide to make an effort to change, to become more daring, I’m convinced that it will have a profound effect on who I am. I have a feeling that I might, because I know deep inside that I hunger for change, and the opportunity for a new beginning is not something that I could ever deny. So I look forward, then, to some change in my philosophy and attitudes, and a fresh start in which I am a new me, in an unknown city with completely different friends, daring to do all I can to enjoy and explore.
Life is hard in a new country. You start everything new. You are unable to understand.
Things had been hard for my mum and I. But all is better, I now have a life that I both regret and am pleased to have. Its hard to explain, but as a child things where hard in my home country, it was hard to provide and to survive.The values that i used to be surrounded with are the things I miss most. The love and the music, the soul and the earth. The earth is what we lived for, but here, this seems to be ignored. how much war against this planet is it gunna take for people to realise the devastation that we are creating. We need to live for the earth, in order for it to live for us. But how can this be understood? everyone is going abouts doing their daily mundane affairs, of which half are so entirely unnecessary.
Never the less, England is a beautiful place. A place that I cherish, even though it is not my home, everyday I remember this beneficial life. I remember as a kid, how we got to this place, the isolation that we felt. In itself it all felt like something out of the ordinary, all of it! I wasnt sure if I felt at ease in any way. I was young. But I do remember however, my mother, pushing me through it, i could feel the anxiety off her body, but not a trace in her face. Together, we made it. we made everything what is is. And I remember, as she dragged me through the streets, that it was there that I first saw one. It was a big red double-decker bus. The sight of it fascinated me. I was always aware of such inventions but I had never layed eyes on one. This was this beginning of my love for buses, but now, also signifies the end. The end of the world. Of my mothers life.
Ok, i’m stuck. This is harder than it looks, I can’t think of anything - but I want to keep the momentum going - keep moving.
I’m not going to write about movement, but about stillness, and silence.
Caffeine is an amazingly powerful drug. Coffee makes me alert, but makes me calm. I notice everything. I stop moving, and I stand, and everything moves around me.
I was walking home yesterday. Caffienated. From the bus stop.
There was a girl, walking up with me. I’ve never seen her before.
It was quiet. I can’t describe the quietness, but it was the quietest quietness i’ve ever heard, and the stillest stillness. I was amazed by the quietness.
But it wasn’t just the quietness. I was walking with this girl, this girl I never met. We must have been walking for at least 15 minutes. Neither of us made a sound. But-
I just shared it. The silence. I shared the silence with her. We shared it together.
The quietness - I just can’t describe it. It was amazing. Human contact in the lack of contact, meaning in the lack of speech.
I don’t know if she- if she noticed the quietness. The stillness.
I hope she did.
I’m not sure if it is at all clear how this is related, but it is. Perhaps you’ll need to ponder it for a while?
I guess I just wanted to take a photo!
(Je me déteste)
Civilisation has way too many rules. But where would we be without them? when is the world every going to stop being ruled by self interest- or the perception of what is best. in a place where we are represented, how much do we ACTUALLY have a say… as the world expands, civilisation will grow, new cities with develop. then, where will we be? to be honest, i do not care.
Does it matter?
should it matter?
maybe i’m just aheartless bitch who doesnt give a fuck about this world
or maybe i’m just IGNORANT!
or so completely out of it
let this place burn down and fly away in pieces, enjoy the ride.
(i hope i don’t get beaten to death for this)
EDIT: OR MAYBE I’M JUST IN A BAD MOOD AND INCREDIBLY CONFUSED ABOUT A SHIT LOAD OF EVERYTHING :( save me??
i apologizes!! but there is no way im going to write anything other than what i just did- why- because (see above?)
NO, NOT REALLY. i’m just folle (atm)
Yes, I couldn’t resist posting this. It is such an amazing story. Even if you’ve read it before, read it a thousand times, read it again.
On a completely unrelated note, have you ever thought it strange that we all seem to have this idea that love comes from the heart? I just wonder where it came from. Many ancient civilisations thought that we thought from the heart, and the ancient athenians thought that the liver was the home of lust.
Why do we assign emotions to organs?
Probably the most important part of my general collection of beliefs about life is that there is only one thing that we should do when we are alive. We should appreciate life. Everything that we do should, and often is, part of helping us to value our existence and the existence of the world around us.
An important part of the appreciation of life is learning. By finding out as much as we possibly can about our innermost minds, about the materials that surround us, about both the big and the small, are we not making the ultimate tribute, the ultimate devotion and contribution towards life? Is there a better way to appreciate, to love, to value anything than to strive to find out as much as possible about this thing as you can?
But learning is not just about facts. It is about how to live; how to behave, how to think, how to act. About attitudes that we should have; what we should think about life, about love, and about others.
Ok, so I’ve talked a bit about learning. But I guess what I really wanted to talk about was teaching, and how incredibly important it is.
Teaching is probably the only way of truly learning. Only by demonstrating what is right can we do what is right, and only by really trying it out and sharing it can we remember it and learn. Teaching is much much more sharing facts, more even than sharing knowledge. Teaching is being an example; it is spreading attitude, and at its peak it is showing - showing people how to live, and how to enjoy life. What to do, why to do it, and what is wrong.
Note the importance of these lessons. How dangerous, how immoral and how simply WRONG it is when they are taught wrong. When we teach that hitting is OK. When anger is acceptable. When revenge is sweet. For this reason, teachers must never teach the wrong things. They must never do wrong things, or be seen doing wrong things - because if they are seen, they are copied.
So now we come to my final point. Teaching is something that we all do. Our ideas, our thoughts and actions are all copied by others. Our attitudes, our opinions are as well. Every single part of our selves.
If we are all teachers and are always teaching, and if all teachers have a moral obligation to act in the most ethical and perfect way possible, is this not the strongest reason for us all to consider twice our actions? To be the best we can be?
The next time you are about to hit your children, or talk about your boss behind his back, think not about whether what you are doing is right or wrong, but what message you will be sending to those around you. What you do becomes what they do, who you are becomes them. Make sure that you are the best that you can be, because you are always teaching, and we are always learning.
…Something. Something beautiful, something lovely,
Something that’s me. Something that can inspire others. Something admired.
I want to teach, I want to love, and I want to spread knowledge.
I want to do something for others,
I want to become a better person.
I don’t want to simply be.
I want to live
Wow! I’m actually finding this occasionally quite difficult.
This didn’t work as well as I’d hoped - in fact, not at all. Oh well.
Did you know you can do anything? If you really want to, and try hard enough. You can. It’s true. You could climb mt everest, write a novel, make top of the charts - or even fly?
Perhaps we’ll find a way! One day..